At some point in every child's life, he seems only to eat, sleep, and grow. Sometimes I feel like that sums up my life here at IMPACT. Well, except for the sleeping part, based on last night's late night essay cram session. But that was something that I wouldn't have missed for all the sleep in the world. We had a huge suite party with popcorn, Tang-laced Koolaid, and eventually brownies. Chelsea danced to Wannabe and Grace told all of us to shut up. I witnessed to Emma, and when Emma witnessed to me we discovered that Jesus Christ is like brownies based on the rather faulty argument that "Jesus is coming. The brownies are coming. Therefore, Jesus is like brownies."
Somewhere around 4 hours or less of sleep, I have this survival system that kicks in and keeps me awake without too much trouble so long as I don't abuse it. I was thankful for that this morning because we had an amazing Life Formations. Trent took us out to Callaway to a little pavilion by the lake, and we ended up spending an hour in quiet time as rain drops crackled through the leaves. I spent most of it praying, just praising God for how amazing He is and celebrating the many wonderful things He has done, then ended up reading Psalm 116 which led into a bit of confession. I love prayer.
Last night, I met with Mary Michael and we talked about a variety of things. She encouraged me to confront some people and had some excellent insights into my life and the universe, that sort of thing.
On Wednesday, I met with Basie and we just chatted about college plans, books, ideas, motives, and whatever it is that one talks with someone like Basie about. And I got a book for my trouble (SCORE!).
Tonight, Saltacious is setting up an open mic night in the classroom which is to begin in five minutes. I was considering singing "The Lonely Goatherd" from The Sound of Music, but I don't have it memorized and my voice will be awful now that I've had a blizzard from DQ. 14 of us went to Chick-fil-A in LaGrange for dinner this evening and then most of that number stopped by DQ while I think the rest went to Walmart. Over the course of dinner, Ben told Chuck Norris jokes, Chelsea tried to confuse the new CfA worker, and Kyle attempted to set David up with the manager, Brittany, based on the fact that they are both 21. On the drive home, Grace came decently close to hitting a deer at the exact place where Kyle hit one this past Wednesday, much to Jillian and Krista's horrified chagrin.
This afternoon, a group of us ended up having a discussion with Basie about dating. And when I poked my head into the SLC office, David and Mary Michael were playing with their Silly Putty. Win!
I did a gorgeous backstitch job on a dress of Mary Michael's that had a broken strap. It was kind of weird because a piece had actually torn off, so I had to take the same piece from the other strap, cut it in half, and then sew both straps back on, but I somehow had thread the exact shade of the dress and my stitching was marvelous, which is not something that I can say very often. Grandma once accused me of knowing more about sewing than I let on. It's true.
Tomorrow we're helping at Rosemont's Harvest Party, which means that I'll probably end up reading the Economics in Christian Perspective book on Sunday. That's not cool. Especially since Krista and I are going to church with Katie and then to lunch at her apartment and then Best Buy. And then in the evening, Nathan scheduled a drama practice and we have hall meeting. Thankfully, I like economics and I'm excited about this book.
Monday is my birthday! And by an awesome quirk, Monday also happens to be the day that Marana rescheduled the dinner for, so I'll be having dinner with the Basies for my birthday (although I didn't tell her because I would rather not be fussed over, thanks). Then on Wednesday my C group is having dinner at the Wilbanks. And on Thursday, all of my planning and plotting will come to fruition as somewhere between 17 and 19 people go on a CIU road trip. Another class with Dr. Gentry, a tour of the campus, and an overnight stay. One word: awesome!
Scary thought: somewhere in the course of the next week, I need to fill out and submit my applications. ARGH!
30.10.09
23.10.09
Paz
This afternoon was a gift from God. How else can I describe that kind of perfection? Some moments are too marvelous to be the sum of the various components.
I was sitting at my computer listening to Bach's Magnificat with the overhead light off, just the strand of Christmas lights around the window aglow, and the door open so that I could smell and hear the rain along with the music. Annie was walking to her room, but stopped and walked into my room instead. We had an amazing talk about the Cotes and Victoria, when friends become more than friends, roommates, and children's books. We prayed together, laughed, and shared the unexpected blessing of a half hour of close conversation. This is why I love IMPACT.
I had just finished reading The Garden of Abdul Gasazi by Chris Van Allsburg to Annie when Alex strolled by with his guitar and took refuge on our porch. Drawn by the appeal of guitar music and rain, we went outside and started chatting with him. Annie wandered away, but I wanted to play in the rain, and I ended up blowing bubbles while standing in the downpour and listening to Alex play.
He got distracted when one of the bubbles went particularly far and high, but I said that they are extra strong because I breathe love into them. So Alex caught some and I told him to translate all the love on his hands to beautiful music, an idea which piqued my fancy and led me to write a poem.
Peace: For Alex Purdie
Georgia rain shower;
Not quite autumn, not quite anything.
Water drops mingle with
the iridescent swirl and pop of soap bubbles,
floating on the love breath of my lips.
Guitar man with rain song strings,
He plays a simple melody.
But first- hand outstretched,
he catches love,
each little bubble happily dying because
their death is the voice of his tune.
I read it to Alex, who loved it. And he continued playing amazing songs on the guitar while I read poetry, and rain fell on everything.
But the surreality has not completely loosed its hold on me. David and Mary Michael gathered us all together for a surprise meeting where Sean informed us that he is leaving. I will never joke about the 25 cap again. I have at times struggled to serve him, but never desired his leaving. Without him, we are less. He is not erased from our "family tree" simply because of his absence, but his departure leaves a Sean-shaped hole that nobody else is going to fill.
An afternoon of beauty, of tranquility, of paz, of pain. And we live on.
I was sitting at my computer listening to Bach's Magnificat with the overhead light off, just the strand of Christmas lights around the window aglow, and the door open so that I could smell and hear the rain along with the music. Annie was walking to her room, but stopped and walked into my room instead. We had an amazing talk about the Cotes and Victoria, when friends become more than friends, roommates, and children's books. We prayed together, laughed, and shared the unexpected blessing of a half hour of close conversation. This is why I love IMPACT.
I had just finished reading The Garden of Abdul Gasazi by Chris Van Allsburg to Annie when Alex strolled by with his guitar and took refuge on our porch. Drawn by the appeal of guitar music and rain, we went outside and started chatting with him. Annie wandered away, but I wanted to play in the rain, and I ended up blowing bubbles while standing in the downpour and listening to Alex play.
He got distracted when one of the bubbles went particularly far and high, but I said that they are extra strong because I breathe love into them. So Alex caught some and I told him to translate all the love on his hands to beautiful music, an idea which piqued my fancy and led me to write a poem.
Peace: For Alex Purdie
Georgia rain shower;
Not quite autumn, not quite anything.
Water drops mingle with
the iridescent swirl and pop of soap bubbles,
floating on the love breath of my lips.
Guitar man with rain song strings,
He plays a simple melody.
But first- hand outstretched,
he catches love,
each little bubble happily dying because
their death is the voice of his tune.
I read it to Alex, who loved it. And he continued playing amazing songs on the guitar while I read poetry, and rain fell on everything.
But the surreality has not completely loosed its hold on me. David and Mary Michael gathered us all together for a surprise meeting where Sean informed us that he is leaving. I will never joke about the 25 cap again. I have at times struggled to serve him, but never desired his leaving. Without him, we are less. He is not erased from our "family tree" simply because of his absence, but his departure leaves a Sean-shaped hole that nobody else is going to fill.
An afternoon of beauty, of tranquility, of paz, of pain. And we live on.
17.10.09
6 Degrees of Separation
Bethany made the observation last night that we would probably not struggle so much with our "IMPACT exile" if it weren't for the fact that we can't go back whether we would or no. I would argue otherwise because I admit that less than one day into my voluntary weekend in Tennessee, I was writhing to get back on campus, but in her defense here, I had no means of returning even if I willed to do so, and I had no control over our plans including the return time. So while I think that I would miss everyone just as much if I left willingly, perhaps it would not be quite so poignant a separation as twould be if it were forced.
Mostly that's a side note. I was just thinking about that game, six degrees of separation. Y'know, the one where you try to connect people through acquaintances, work, family, etc. to prove that they are removed by no more than six relationships? That game attempts to connect people who are entirely unrelated and either know nothing about one another or, if they are somehow aware of but not acquainted with one another, have no personal connection. This fall break is a contrast to that game in that we who are already connected, having sunk our hooks securely into each other's lives, were separated. I wonder how many of us besides the Carolinian contingent would have any connections outside of IMPACT. With students from so far afield as Arizona, Texas, Illinois, Ohio, and Pennsylvania, and more local students scattered across Georgia, Florida, Tennessee, North Carolina, and at the far fringes of "local," Virginia, I think it is not unfair to say that few of us could ever have met outside of such a place. To God be the glory, then, because He has willed that we should meet in this time and place. Despite the fact that we have only known each other for a month and a half and been aware of each other for maybe three (more for the preview day-ers), we have begun to form friendships that will last for a lifetime. I think a fairly common observation that we will hear on returning is that "the friendships I've formed at IMPACT are already deeper than some that I've had for years!"
I hope that Kennedy works in a few more devotions about humility when we return. I know that we were all inclined to laugh a bit when for the first two weeks of devotions all Kennedy could say was "humility, guys, humility." But I think that by now we all know Kennedy well enough to recognize that he is constantly (yes, Hayden, I really do mean constantly) attuned to God and the moving of His spirit. If we are not reflecting back on those words, I think that we are setting ourselves up for disaster. With regard to those old friendships... A friendship requires two people. If you feel that you have somehow risen above that relationship, remember that it took two of you to take that friendship to whatever depth it had. If it was shallow, remember that once you were probably not so intent on diving deeper yourself. If it was deep, thank God for the amazing friend that He put in your life who was willing to tackle the issues beneath the surface and to sharpen you in the process. When we fail, we like to distance ourselves from the failure, while we embrace our successes. This attitude borders on the hypocritical. I would suggest that you ought to embrace failure as a stepping stone to success, while distancing yourself from your role in your success by glorifying God in those moments.
However, that is tangential because no friendship can be measured in success or failure: a shallow friendship is simply an opportunity to go deeper. In hall meeting last Sunday, David did a "temperature check" where we rated ourselves on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the worst day of our lives or 10 being the best. Someone made the observation that a 5 is like neutrality, neither good nor bad. But later on we did a group temperature check of our community where David redefined the numbers by saying that 1 is "you guys cannot continue this way and if you don't do something radical to change it within a day or two, we might as well all go home" and 10 is "you can't possibly do anything to increase your fellowship with one another." Well obviously we are not at a 10, but nobody would put us at a 1 either. But as David pointed out, on September 8th, we were at a 1. None of us really knew each other (again, the Carolinian contingent is the exception), and if we had not been willing to move from a state of ignorance to knowledge, we would never have survived past the first week and a half. So it's not so much moving past neutrality as it is a growth process.
What applies to our entire community as a cohesive unit also applies to individual friendships. Had I gone home for break and visited work, I probably would have realized that most of my friendships there were not far beyond a two. But there my optimism or pessimism would come to the fore in how I designate that situation. Is it a failure or is it an opportunity for growth? Sometimes it's easier to give up, but I would challenge both my classmates and myself to take the more difficult path of seeking growth. Would we really abandon old friendships because we're too elitist to deal in the nitty gritty of sorting out relational difficulties? I hope not.
Mostly that's a side note. I was just thinking about that game, six degrees of separation. Y'know, the one where you try to connect people through acquaintances, work, family, etc. to prove that they are removed by no more than six relationships? That game attempts to connect people who are entirely unrelated and either know nothing about one another or, if they are somehow aware of but not acquainted with one another, have no personal connection. This fall break is a contrast to that game in that we who are already connected, having sunk our hooks securely into each other's lives, were separated. I wonder how many of us besides the Carolinian contingent would have any connections outside of IMPACT. With students from so far afield as Arizona, Texas, Illinois, Ohio, and Pennsylvania, and more local students scattered across Georgia, Florida, Tennessee, North Carolina, and at the far fringes of "local," Virginia, I think it is not unfair to say that few of us could ever have met outside of such a place. To God be the glory, then, because He has willed that we should meet in this time and place. Despite the fact that we have only known each other for a month and a half and been aware of each other for maybe three (more for the preview day-ers), we have begun to form friendships that will last for a lifetime. I think a fairly common observation that we will hear on returning is that "the friendships I've formed at IMPACT are already deeper than some that I've had for years!"
I hope that Kennedy works in a few more devotions about humility when we return. I know that we were all inclined to laugh a bit when for the first two weeks of devotions all Kennedy could say was "humility, guys, humility." But I think that by now we all know Kennedy well enough to recognize that he is constantly (yes, Hayden, I really do mean constantly) attuned to God and the moving of His spirit. If we are not reflecting back on those words, I think that we are setting ourselves up for disaster. With regard to those old friendships... A friendship requires two people. If you feel that you have somehow risen above that relationship, remember that it took two of you to take that friendship to whatever depth it had. If it was shallow, remember that once you were probably not so intent on diving deeper yourself. If it was deep, thank God for the amazing friend that He put in your life who was willing to tackle the issues beneath the surface and to sharpen you in the process. When we fail, we like to distance ourselves from the failure, while we embrace our successes. This attitude borders on the hypocritical. I would suggest that you ought to embrace failure as a stepping stone to success, while distancing yourself from your role in your success by glorifying God in those moments.
However, that is tangential because no friendship can be measured in success or failure: a shallow friendship is simply an opportunity to go deeper. In hall meeting last Sunday, David did a "temperature check" where we rated ourselves on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the worst day of our lives or 10 being the best. Someone made the observation that a 5 is like neutrality, neither good nor bad. But later on we did a group temperature check of our community where David redefined the numbers by saying that 1 is "you guys cannot continue this way and if you don't do something radical to change it within a day or two, we might as well all go home" and 10 is "you can't possibly do anything to increase your fellowship with one another." Well obviously we are not at a 10, but nobody would put us at a 1 either. But as David pointed out, on September 8th, we were at a 1. None of us really knew each other (again, the Carolinian contingent is the exception), and if we had not been willing to move from a state of ignorance to knowledge, we would never have survived past the first week and a half. So it's not so much moving past neutrality as it is a growth process.
What applies to our entire community as a cohesive unit also applies to individual friendships. Had I gone home for break and visited work, I probably would have realized that most of my friendships there were not far beyond a two. But there my optimism or pessimism would come to the fore in how I designate that situation. Is it a failure or is it an opportunity for growth? Sometimes it's easier to give up, but I would challenge both my classmates and myself to take the more difficult path of seeking growth. Would we really abandon old friendships because we're too elitist to deal in the nitty gritty of sorting out relational difficulties? I hope not.
12.10.09
Paper Cranes
Where some girls have necklaces or dice hanging from their rearview mirror, I have a simple origami crane. It is crude, made from an index card, torn through the middle to string a piece of hemp through it. But it is not just some frivolous piece of paper art. That crane was given to me by a man named Michael. Michael plays guitar as if he could somehow give musical shape to his soul simply by picking out the right chord progression. He has a rough life, but he does not dwell on his own problems, preferring to focus on the people he draws with his music. He'll sit outside the cafe and play for hours, talking with but mostly listening to the people who pause and dare to break from their plans to sit with him. Sometimes he tells me their stories, and through him I have been impressed with the beauty of human existence. Everyone has some deeply felt grief, everyone has a heart wrenching joy, and who that person is in his essence... that is worth knowing. I want to know people like Michael knows people. As stories, as a muddled whirl of laughter and pain, as human beings worthy of a listening ear and a loving heart.
11.10.09
Glance
I thought I knew you, thought perhaps that I owned some small part of you as if by knowing it I could claim it with the jealous word "mine." But you have reminded me that this is not so. In your shadow lies the invisible trail of history, of life lived without me in it. So much (how much, I cannot comprehend with percentages, mathematic formulas) of your present is alien to me, shaped by forces I will never experience as you experienced them. I would breathlessly dare to call you friend, but as I looked into your eyes, I realized that you were wholly separate, wholly distinct, entirely self and not of myself or, but for barest contact of lifestream brushing against lifestream, concerned with myself. I do not know you. I cannot know you. And that is the mystery that makes you so beautiful to me.
8.10.09
The Navigator Turns the Wheel?
How do you suddenly make a course correction after a year and a half of careful consideration and planning? Can you really just change your mind? I've been asking myself these questions for a long time. The story.
Three years ago, I was sitting in my car before work, somewhere between dozing and daydreaming about what a bookstore that I would own would look like. It would have tall bookshelves, lots of windy spaces, a place you could get lost in. The children's area would contain all kinds of nooks with a massive mural of fairy tale and fantasy characters. There would be crash spots for reading groups, philosophy discussions, creative writing classes. A cafe on the second story with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the street (this was pre-working at PSC, by the way), booths and couches for the college populace, a basic espresso and tea menu with two soups du jour, tables like the ones at the Ben and Jerry's in San Juan: decoupaged with newspaper cut out phrases that you could spend hours reading. It would be more than a bookstore. More like a center of culture and community, with local art displayed on the walls and sold, local music available for purchase, bands playing in the cafe area on Saturday evenings, late nights. It would be in a college town, of course, maybe western Philadelphia. A place like Media. There would be a book exchange type of a deal for the students where they could turn in books for credit. Wood floors. Book smells. Cobblestone sidewalk outside my door.
I still love that idea. I still love books. I still love the idea of sharing books, community, cultur. And I think that I would make a good businessperson, but more in the administrative area. I don't think that I'm terribly personable, which would be necessary to bring the fullness of the vision to fruition. At some point, I think that idea just became a convenient way of shrugging off that nagging senior question: what are you going to do after high school? Ultimately, I was avoiding a more significant question: what am I passionate about? Some author somewhere said that it is a mistake to think that you should not do something in line with what you love and are good at just because it comes easily to you and that convicted me. But I don't think I'm a passionate person. In fact, I'd say I'm rather boring (you can disagree, it's okay) because the full extent of my interests are basically books and blowing bubbles. That doesn't translate into a lot of interests to turn into a life course.
Two events:
Dr. J.P. Moreland was our first guest lecturer, teaching the Biblical Worldview I module on our second week at IMPACT. Dr. Moreland hails from the Talbot School of Psychology at Biola University, an excellent Christian school outside of Los Angeles. In other words, far, far away. One evening before dinner, he was sitting in the commons room as I was skimming an article in Salvo that Basie and someone else wrote on Top 10 Best and Worst colleges in certain categories. One of their bests was Biola, so I asked Dr. Moreland to promote his university to me a bit. It actually turned into a bit of a joke because he said that he thought I would love it, and I, startled, asked him how he presumed to know what I like. Anyway, the idea niggles. Basie chimed in with Moreland and started promoting the Torrey Honors Institute and I made the bad move of actually looking into it. Drool. Ahem.
And now that I have researched it a little bit, it looks even more appealing in light of this past Tuesday. We had a mixed up schedule, so 737, our bible study, took place in the morning, and David talked about the chiastic micro and macrostructures of John's Prologue. It was wonderful. I love that kind of analysis, and I love learning about the Bible in that context. Hermeneutics is probably not my strong point, but exegesis is so fun. For Honors New Testament Letters this past year, MC had us write a ten-ish page commentary research paper on 1 and 2 Thessalonians, and my favorite part was delving into commentaries to find out about the history behind the books and reading Acts 17. Suddenly I found all of these connections that I hadn't seen before, and it opened up the New Testament in some amazing ways that I hadn't thought a simple history check of Thessalonians could do. I could be seriously enthused about spending a lot of time learning things like David was teaching on Tuesday, and I suspect that Torrey really fits into that.
The Checkpoint:
Why am I suddenly prepared to dive radically off course? I have a nagging suspicion that I got bored with my plans and I just want to be suddenly spontaneous. That is such a bad reason. But then again, Lewis points out that you can have both good and bad motivations at work simultaneously.
Mr. Bowdre, a member of IMPACT's board of advisors, informed me that if I did decide to attend Hillsdale College I would not be disappointed. Everyone he's known to graduate from there was enthusiastic about the education that each received. And I really clicked with Hillsdale. They have bagpipes. A mission that includes both Judeo-Christian values and Greco-Roman education. Some amazing professors that I would be honored to learn under. In all likelihood, I would not be able to visit Biola.
Conclusions?
Pray. We were talking about soulmates in wrap up today and I confessed to Basie during the break that one of my biggest struggles with that idea is that for me it comes back to the concept of predestination vs. free will. I've especially been thinking about that since, well... tangent for a text conversation with Matt.
Me: How many times would a mute duck quack if a mute duck could quack lots?
Matt: Hm. As many times as he wanted?
Me: But what if there is no such thing as free will?
Matt: Ok, now that's just preposterous.
...I thought I texted something here and next thing makes more sense to me if I did, but I'm not sure...
Matt: Predestination and free will aren't contradictory. It's weird like that.
I love Matt. He's great. Back on topic. Since we were talking about soulmates, I tend to gravitate toward the stance that there are no such things. And the thought that came into my head is that "foreknowledge does not prevent free will." But sometimes I suspect myself of trying to avoid predestination because, let's face it, my parents did not exactly raise me to be super dependent. I like to believe that I am in control of myself and my life. I hate being undignified because it shows a lack of self control. I hate crying in public. Same thing. I loved ice skating, but to learn to skate, I had to let go of the wall and all my fears of falling on my butt and looking ludicrous. The toughest thing for me in the midst of the college search process is believing that God actually wants to have a say in my planning and that I should listen to him. How do you even do that?
At the same time, I'm reading The Call by Os Guinness. Slowly. But it's been good for the 20 pages that I've read. Calling is an important back of my mind kind of theme right now, but God is working on me. I just hope He gets my act together quickly because I don't have much time to ponder :P The THI application requires a 5-8 page argumentative work and if I apply, it will be by mid-December. Shoo! After what Basie said about having a big paper to work on after break, no less.
Three years ago, I was sitting in my car before work, somewhere between dozing and daydreaming about what a bookstore that I would own would look like. It would have tall bookshelves, lots of windy spaces, a place you could get lost in. The children's area would contain all kinds of nooks with a massive mural of fairy tale and fantasy characters. There would be crash spots for reading groups, philosophy discussions, creative writing classes. A cafe on the second story with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the street (this was pre-working at PSC, by the way), booths and couches for the college populace, a basic espresso and tea menu with two soups du jour, tables like the ones at the Ben and Jerry's in San Juan: decoupaged with newspaper cut out phrases that you could spend hours reading. It would be more than a bookstore. More like a center of culture and community, with local art displayed on the walls and sold, local music available for purchase, bands playing in the cafe area on Saturday evenings, late nights. It would be in a college town, of course, maybe western Philadelphia. A place like Media. There would be a book exchange type of a deal for the students where they could turn in books for credit. Wood floors. Book smells. Cobblestone sidewalk outside my door.
I still love that idea. I still love books. I still love the idea of sharing books, community, cultur. And I think that I would make a good businessperson, but more in the administrative area. I don't think that I'm terribly personable, which would be necessary to bring the fullness of the vision to fruition. At some point, I think that idea just became a convenient way of shrugging off that nagging senior question: what are you going to do after high school? Ultimately, I was avoiding a more significant question: what am I passionate about? Some author somewhere said that it is a mistake to think that you should not do something in line with what you love and are good at just because it comes easily to you and that convicted me. But I don't think I'm a passionate person. In fact, I'd say I'm rather boring (you can disagree, it's okay) because the full extent of my interests are basically books and blowing bubbles. That doesn't translate into a lot of interests to turn into a life course.
Two events:
Dr. J.P. Moreland was our first guest lecturer, teaching the Biblical Worldview I module on our second week at IMPACT. Dr. Moreland hails from the Talbot School of Psychology at Biola University, an excellent Christian school outside of Los Angeles. In other words, far, far away. One evening before dinner, he was sitting in the commons room as I was skimming an article in Salvo that Basie and someone else wrote on Top 10 Best and Worst colleges in certain categories. One of their bests was Biola, so I asked Dr. Moreland to promote his university to me a bit. It actually turned into a bit of a joke because he said that he thought I would love it, and I, startled, asked him how he presumed to know what I like. Anyway, the idea niggles. Basie chimed in with Moreland and started promoting the Torrey Honors Institute and I made the bad move of actually looking into it. Drool. Ahem.
And now that I have researched it a little bit, it looks even more appealing in light of this past Tuesday. We had a mixed up schedule, so 737, our bible study, took place in the morning, and David talked about the chiastic micro and macrostructures of John's Prologue. It was wonderful. I love that kind of analysis, and I love learning about the Bible in that context. Hermeneutics is probably not my strong point, but exegesis is so fun. For Honors New Testament Letters this past year, MC had us write a ten-ish page commentary research paper on 1 and 2 Thessalonians, and my favorite part was delving into commentaries to find out about the history behind the books and reading Acts 17. Suddenly I found all of these connections that I hadn't seen before, and it opened up the New Testament in some amazing ways that I hadn't thought a simple history check of Thessalonians could do. I could be seriously enthused about spending a lot of time learning things like David was teaching on Tuesday, and I suspect that Torrey really fits into that.
The Checkpoint:
Why am I suddenly prepared to dive radically off course? I have a nagging suspicion that I got bored with my plans and I just want to be suddenly spontaneous. That is such a bad reason. But then again, Lewis points out that you can have both good and bad motivations at work simultaneously.
Mr. Bowdre, a member of IMPACT's board of advisors, informed me that if I did decide to attend Hillsdale College I would not be disappointed. Everyone he's known to graduate from there was enthusiastic about the education that each received. And I really clicked with Hillsdale. They have bagpipes. A mission that includes both Judeo-Christian values and Greco-Roman education. Some amazing professors that I would be honored to learn under. In all likelihood, I would not be able to visit Biola.
Conclusions?
Pray. We were talking about soulmates in wrap up today and I confessed to Basie during the break that one of my biggest struggles with that idea is that for me it comes back to the concept of predestination vs. free will. I've especially been thinking about that since, well... tangent for a text conversation with Matt.
Me: How many times would a mute duck quack if a mute duck could quack lots?
Matt: Hm. As many times as he wanted?
Me: But what if there is no such thing as free will?
Matt: Ok, now that's just preposterous.
...I thought I texted something here and next thing makes more sense to me if I did, but I'm not sure...
Matt: Predestination and free will aren't contradictory. It's weird like that.
I love Matt. He's great. Back on topic. Since we were talking about soulmates, I tend to gravitate toward the stance that there are no such things. And the thought that came into my head is that "foreknowledge does not prevent free will." But sometimes I suspect myself of trying to avoid predestination because, let's face it, my parents did not exactly raise me to be super dependent. I like to believe that I am in control of myself and my life. I hate being undignified because it shows a lack of self control. I hate crying in public. Same thing. I loved ice skating, but to learn to skate, I had to let go of the wall and all my fears of falling on my butt and looking ludicrous. The toughest thing for me in the midst of the college search process is believing that God actually wants to have a say in my planning and that I should listen to him. How do you even do that?
At the same time, I'm reading The Call by Os Guinness. Slowly. But it's been good for the 20 pages that I've read. Calling is an important back of my mind kind of theme right now, but God is working on me. I just hope He gets my act together quickly because I don't have much time to ponder :P The THI application requires a 5-8 page argumentative work and if I apply, it will be by mid-December. Shoo! After what Basie said about having a big paper to work on after break, no less.
6.10.09
Jewels and Meetings
I hate meetings. Especially when the meetings involve 26 people who all have distinct opinions and who are all leaders in their own right. It can be an intense time, but you have to be patient and loving because you know that each leader, yourself included, can tend towards the dreaded windbaggery. Ha. If I were using Firefox, that would not be a word. That's why I use Safari. Anyway.
Tonight, Mary Michael called a mass meeting so that Julia could air some very important griefs with the group. First, she said that she came to IMPACT expecting to be spiritually and intellectually challenged not only by the visiting professors and the staff members, but also by her classmates. She challenged us to challenge one another. Second, she added that there is not a great deal of depth to our relationships here. I didn't share in the meeting because, let's face it, 25 other people who have presumably deep things to say take a lot of time and I have to accept that with grace and a prayer to God.
Concerning Julia's first point, I have not seen that so much intellectually, but I think there is a specific reason for that. I am wretchedly introverted in some ways and I find it difficult to connect with people that I live with on a regular basis, but I have taken very seriously the encouragement to talk to our professors. For some reason, whenever I come to lunch they are often sitting alone or with only one or two others, and that is just wrong. They have so much to share and I have so much to learn, but sometimes I don't know how to ask the right questions in class and lunch is a great setting to find out more from them. I can just sit there and eat and listen and practically feel my brain consuming the calories before I put them in my mouth because I am so enthusiastically processing what this man is saying. Seriously, not everyone can say that they had lunch with J.P. Moreland. Twice. And sat in on two informal q&a sessions on top of three lectures. This man is legitimately brilliant and he has so much to teach us, but I think that many times we do not appreciate the depth of knowledge beyond what we hear in class and while I might try to make myself look good here, I am just as guilty as the next person.
At the same time, I can understand where she is coming from with regard to classmates on both the intellectual and the spiritual levels. Intellectually, the only person I recall talking with at any depth is ... Charles? Yeah, Charles, I guess. And Chelsea, when we exit our separate worlds long enough to be proper roommates. Chelsea is amazing because she is so intensely practical, she knows exactly how to put a vague notion into the right words, and she can defuse a tense situation without letting people off the hook. In some ways, I don't think this deficiency of discussion is so much a problem of others. It is a pride issue for me because I have fallen back into my old groove of thinking that (1) I am an intelligent person. (2) Intelligent people do not need the perspectives of those who are less intelligent. (3) Most of the people here do not demonstrate the same level of intelligence that I do (Yes, yes, obvious flaw of pride here, let us quibble over that later). Therefore, (4) I do not need the perspectives of those around me. Just sitting in a wrap up session debunks that entire (flawed) argument in about three seconds. I am enriched by the flow of ideas, even the ones that are phrased as questions or are gently dismantled to show the weakness of the underlying structure. I am an individual, but I am part of a body and while I function individually, my function enhances and contributes to the function of the whole. I cannot operate as a lone ego seeking my own ends. The better analogy is that of a puzzle piece where I display a single, necessary element, but I do not have every single part of the picture and so must relay on the connections that I form with others to find meaning and purpose.
Spiritually, I totally 100% feel what she is saying. As I told her this evening, "Julia, you just put the right words to something that I thought was another thing entirely." For the past week, I have been craving the conversation of my friends to the point where I will mentally scroll through my contact list and scratch people off. I was even struggling with hurt because my closest friends are too busy to make the effort of calling me and it all just seemed so unfair, but that was a huge drama of silliness. Basically, I needed deep human contact so that I could pour out some of myself and provide a shoulder for someone else, but I was lost in this idea that what I really needed was more alone time because I just couldn't handle being around the same people 24/7. Um, I went to Tennessee this weekend, and after two days of being away I still had that same feeling, so you would think I would get the picture, but thankfully, Julia has the guts to see the situation more clearly than I did. She is so right. Each time that I was dying to talk to somebody about something, be it a matter of joy or a matter of personal concern, I ruled out anyone here because I didn't think I knew anyone well enough to really give that part of myself to them. And I thought I was learning so much about vulnerability.
Honestly, I can't say that I'm going to jump out of bed tomorrow morning (probably not, since it's getting kind of late) and charge zestfully into new relationships of energizing depth and scope, but Julia has challenged my perspective in a serious and awesome way. I am humbled by her wisdom and her courage.
As for her second point, I guess I stumbled into that with my life story there.
A few side notes to catch up anyone here (Plootz, this is for you since you're the only person who reads this) on my life:
The Prologue of John has the coolest structure ever. David wins for talking about that in 737 this morning, and a mere two hours of Bible study might possibly have planted the seed for a course correction in my college aspirations. Whoa.
I got to speak with the Board of Advisors this morning about my journey here and what I've learned since orientation. I jotted down a few thoughts yesterday about the learning part and it reminded me of the importance of examining where I am and where I would like to go. I haven't had a chance yet to sit down and write out a vision statement, but I definitely have that on my to do list because you can't know if you're going where you want to go unless you can visibly see the scenery changing in ways that you stated that you wanted it to change. Maybe you can see it is changing, but without a vision, you don't know if that's where you want to go.
On a more humorous note, the Winnie the Pooh character breakdown of IMPACT as determined by Bethany and myself is as follows:
Dr. Fant is Rabbit, Ben is Pooh, Kyle is Christopher Robin, Emma is Piglet, Leah is Kanga, Annie is Roo, Alex or Charles is Tigger, David or Ryan is Eeyore, and Nathan is Owl.
I think that was a lot of word vomit that needed to get out quickly, so thank you for bearing with my scatterbrainedness. If you're out there and you're praying for me, please pray that I find a mentor, that we draw together with depth in our community, that we challenge one another at every level, and that God would be able to get into my thick noggin what His calling on my life is. Thanks!
Tonight, Mary Michael called a mass meeting so that Julia could air some very important griefs with the group. First, she said that she came to IMPACT expecting to be spiritually and intellectually challenged not only by the visiting professors and the staff members, but also by her classmates. She challenged us to challenge one another. Second, she added that there is not a great deal of depth to our relationships here. I didn't share in the meeting because, let's face it, 25 other people who have presumably deep things to say take a lot of time and I have to accept that with grace and a prayer to God.
Concerning Julia's first point, I have not seen that so much intellectually, but I think there is a specific reason for that. I am wretchedly introverted in some ways and I find it difficult to connect with people that I live with on a regular basis, but I have taken very seriously the encouragement to talk to our professors. For some reason, whenever I come to lunch they are often sitting alone or with only one or two others, and that is just wrong. They have so much to share and I have so much to learn, but sometimes I don't know how to ask the right questions in class and lunch is a great setting to find out more from them. I can just sit there and eat and listen and practically feel my brain consuming the calories before I put them in my mouth because I am so enthusiastically processing what this man is saying. Seriously, not everyone can say that they had lunch with J.P. Moreland. Twice. And sat in on two informal q&a sessions on top of three lectures. This man is legitimately brilliant and he has so much to teach us, but I think that many times we do not appreciate the depth of knowledge beyond what we hear in class and while I might try to make myself look good here, I am just as guilty as the next person.
At the same time, I can understand where she is coming from with regard to classmates on both the intellectual and the spiritual levels. Intellectually, the only person I recall talking with at any depth is ... Charles? Yeah, Charles, I guess. And Chelsea, when we exit our separate worlds long enough to be proper roommates. Chelsea is amazing because she is so intensely practical, she knows exactly how to put a vague notion into the right words, and she can defuse a tense situation without letting people off the hook. In some ways, I don't think this deficiency of discussion is so much a problem of others. It is a pride issue for me because I have fallen back into my old groove of thinking that (1) I am an intelligent person. (2) Intelligent people do not need the perspectives of those who are less intelligent. (3) Most of the people here do not demonstrate the same level of intelligence that I do (Yes, yes, obvious flaw of pride here, let us quibble over that later). Therefore, (4) I do not need the perspectives of those around me. Just sitting in a wrap up session debunks that entire (flawed) argument in about three seconds. I am enriched by the flow of ideas, even the ones that are phrased as questions or are gently dismantled to show the weakness of the underlying structure. I am an individual, but I am part of a body and while I function individually, my function enhances and contributes to the function of the whole. I cannot operate as a lone ego seeking my own ends. The better analogy is that of a puzzle piece where I display a single, necessary element, but I do not have every single part of the picture and so must relay on the connections that I form with others to find meaning and purpose.
Spiritually, I totally 100% feel what she is saying. As I told her this evening, "Julia, you just put the right words to something that I thought was another thing entirely." For the past week, I have been craving the conversation of my friends to the point where I will mentally scroll through my contact list and scratch people off. I was even struggling with hurt because my closest friends are too busy to make the effort of calling me and it all just seemed so unfair, but that was a huge drama of silliness. Basically, I needed deep human contact so that I could pour out some of myself and provide a shoulder for someone else, but I was lost in this idea that what I really needed was more alone time because I just couldn't handle being around the same people 24/7. Um, I went to Tennessee this weekend, and after two days of being away I still had that same feeling, so you would think I would get the picture, but thankfully, Julia has the guts to see the situation more clearly than I did. She is so right. Each time that I was dying to talk to somebody about something, be it a matter of joy or a matter of personal concern, I ruled out anyone here because I didn't think I knew anyone well enough to really give that part of myself to them. And I thought I was learning so much about vulnerability.
Honestly, I can't say that I'm going to jump out of bed tomorrow morning (probably not, since it's getting kind of late) and charge zestfully into new relationships of energizing depth and scope, but Julia has challenged my perspective in a serious and awesome way. I am humbled by her wisdom and her courage.
As for her second point, I guess I stumbled into that with my life story there.
A few side notes to catch up anyone here (Plootz, this is for you since you're the only person who reads this) on my life:
The Prologue of John has the coolest structure ever. David wins for talking about that in 737 this morning, and a mere two hours of Bible study might possibly have planted the seed for a course correction in my college aspirations. Whoa.
I got to speak with the Board of Advisors this morning about my journey here and what I've learned since orientation. I jotted down a few thoughts yesterday about the learning part and it reminded me of the importance of examining where I am and where I would like to go. I haven't had a chance yet to sit down and write out a vision statement, but I definitely have that on my to do list because you can't know if you're going where you want to go unless you can visibly see the scenery changing in ways that you stated that you wanted it to change. Maybe you can see it is changing, but without a vision, you don't know if that's where you want to go.
On a more humorous note, the Winnie the Pooh character breakdown of IMPACT as determined by Bethany and myself is as follows:
Dr. Fant is Rabbit, Ben is Pooh, Kyle is Christopher Robin, Emma is Piglet, Leah is Kanga, Annie is Roo, Alex or Charles is Tigger, David or Ryan is Eeyore, and Nathan is Owl.
I think that was a lot of word vomit that needed to get out quickly, so thank you for bearing with my scatterbrainedness. If you're out there and you're praying for me, please pray that I find a mentor, that we draw together with depth in our community, that we challenge one another at every level, and that God would be able to get into my thick noggin what His calling on my life is. Thanks!
5.10.09
When you look yourself in the eyes, what do you see? For that matter, besides the casual, passing glance of a swift review of your appearance... can you do it? Connect with your own reflection and dare to question who you are and what you reveal about yourself? I don't think it is an easy matter. But it should be done. Those who are least able to look themselves in the eyes are the ones who need most to do so.
2.10.09
Out of My League by Stephen Speaks
it's her hair and her eyes today
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i'm falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
and she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
coz she’s all that I see and she’s all that I need
and i'm out of my league once again
it's a masterful melody when she calls out my name to me
as the world spins around her she laughs, rolls her eyes
and i feel like i'm falling but it's no surprise
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land
yes she's all that i see and she's all that i need
and i'm out of my league once again
it's her hair and her eyes today
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i'm falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
and she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land
yes she's all that i see and she's all that i need
and i'm out of my league once again
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i'm falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
and she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
coz she’s all that I see and she’s all that I need
and i'm out of my league once again
it's a masterful melody when she calls out my name to me
as the world spins around her she laughs, rolls her eyes
and i feel like i'm falling but it's no surprise
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land
yes she's all that i see and she's all that i need
and i'm out of my league once again
it's her hair and her eyes today
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i'm falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
and she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land
yes she's all that i see and she's all that i need
and i'm out of my league once again
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